The Team at Felton Road

Now a Wanaka resident, Nigel has had to hang up his long haul commuter boots and settle for the isolation of small town life. He takes out his frustrations on the local rabbit and trout population, not to mention any audience unwary enough to give him a chance to rant. Rumours of a TV cookery show are in the air. Whether it gets to air remains to be seen. Main ambition is now to keep up with his son Hamish on the ski slopes.

As time goes by, a sense of quiet purpose is replacing the nervous energy. He no longer lives in a garden shed, but surveys Lake Dunstan from the glass towers of Credit Crunch Castle. With a dozen vintages under his belt he can do a pretty good imitation of gravitas, given a suitable critic to impress. He is a pretty flash helmsman in a dinghy these days, but can he graduate to the big boats?

Now with a couple of vintages under his belt, Todd is starting to flex his muscles a little. However, the recent arrival of son Isaac, will no doubt take some of the spring out of his step. Getting the Chardonnay dry as well as the baby may prove to be a step too far in terms of multitasking. You’ll spot him easily - he’s the one with the big bags under his eyes.

Does Gareth secretly spend his life on Facebook? How else does he find such an extraordinary group of international talent to look after the vineyards each year? If you need somebody who can source you a Mongolian umbrella designer with a fondness for dandelion tea, then Gareth is your man. He will deliver you a choice of three before the day is out. Whether he could find you a viticulturist is another question. Somehow though, Gareth and his bizarre but brilliant band get the job done to perfection.

What do you say about a new staff member who, when asked about what she wanted as a job title said that she fancies being called La Petite Fromage?
That she's a Edam good choice for the job or she Gouda go? Either way she is not Caroline, who has now abandoned wine for skiing and pursuing Mounties through the woods of Canada. But Tracy fills the same role, so if you come to the cellar door be sure to Chedder out her Caerphilly. She Gruyere up in Wensleydale with her sisters Mozzarella and Gorgozola and their pet Sheep Feta. But no cheese jokes please, they drive her Emmental!

You’d think after nearly five years, we’d have figured out something about her. Nope. Rumour has it that she’s married to the Stig. Long trips to Canada claim to be about skiing, but we aren’t fooled for a minute. One day her guard will drop and perhaps the full ghastly truth will unravel. Until then we rely on rumour and Twitter.